


Tallies

by 466TrickstersCandy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorder, Fights, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 01:29:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22007728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/466TrickstersCandy/pseuds/466TrickstersCandy
Summary: Every time something went wrong and Michael blames himself for it, he would mark it down as a tally. After having countless fights with his boyfriend, his secret list of blame comes to light. Yet, he can’t seem to blame himself for it. Maybe, that was what he needed the entire time.
Relationships: Lucifer/Michael (Supernatural), Michael/Lucifer, Michifer
Kudos: 44





	Tallies

**Author's Note:**

> I’m going to say right now if you didn’t look at the tags and take the warnings. This does have some triggering things for some people. This contains self harm, a character with a depression disorder, and an eating disorder. If you don’t take kindly to those type of topics, please don’t read this! I don’t want anything to happen to you guys!

Their shouts echoed down the hallway. They've had fights hundreds of times before and yet that doesn't seem to stop it from hurting. Today, their fight went somewhere that was better left untouched. 

"Why do you always have to be so annoying! You never seem to shut up!" Michael snapped. "Oh, I'm annoying! You're the one to talk! You're so clingy and needy! I never get space from you!" Lucifer shouted back. "You never get space from me?! You're the one who can't be left alone for more than five minutes! You always end up messing something up!" ‘He should've just admitted defeat.’ “I can't be left alone?! I can be alone just fine!"  
“Oh, really?! How about you leave me the fuck alone than!"  
“Great! I don't even like being around you! I don't know why I decided to date you!" With that, Lucifer stomped out of their shared room and slammed the door shut. Michael sighed and fell onto the bed ‘one more tally’ he kept repeating to himself. ‘One more tally. One more mistake. One more mess up.’

Michael decided to wait a few hours for Lucifer to cool down from their fight to apologize. When he opened the door to their bedroom, he spoke softly, "Luci?" Lucifer sat up from where he laid on the couch. "What? You don't trust me to be alone?" He snapped. "No, Luci, I-,"  
“Just let me be!" Michael watched helplessly as Lucifer grabbed his stuff and left the apartment. ‘Another tally.’

Michael waited a until it was dark for Lucifer to return home. He skipped eating but it was alright. He only ate so no one would worry. When he was alone, he would spend days without eating. When the clock pasted Midnight, he gave up on Lucifer coming home. He went into the bathroom to mark his tallies. After that, he went to bed alone and remained alone for the next morning. He skipped breakfast and lunch and barley made it out of bed. He had no reason to pretend to be alright. 

He called Lucifer multiple times and got no responses. He texted and was left on read. ‘Another tally.’

The tallies multiplied but it was alright. No one knew. He was alright. He's alright as long as others believed he was. Since Lucifer hasn't returned by the time dinner came around, he skipped another meal. 

Lucifer felt ready to apologize. He was staying at a friend's house for a day and he was ready to go home. When he unlocked the front door and walked into his and Michael's apartment, it was late at night. Everything seemed untouched and Michael was curled up in their bed. The bathroom door was left open and the light was left on. 

"Mikey?" Lucifer whispered not sure if his boyfriend was still awake. When he hadn't gotten a response, he walked over to the bathroom to turn off the light. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a reddish towel sticking out of Michael's cabinet. He opened the cabinet to fix the towel when it fell out of it. ‘Why was it wet?‘ He lifted up the little hand towel with two fingers letting it unroll. He heard a small noise of metal hitting the floor but ignored it to look at the towel. It wasn't red, but white. It might've been a bloody nose. It wasn't uncommon for Michael to have nose bleeds. 

He rolled his eyes and carried the towel out of the bathroom, turning off the light as he left, and put it in the washing machine. When he came back into the bedroom, he took off his clothes and laid in bed to go to sleep. 

Michael was the first to wake up the next morning. Lucifer was in the bed beside him still fast asleep. He brought himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He opened the cabinet and took out a bottle of pills. He grabbed a plastic cup and filled it with tab water to help him swallow the pills he put in his hand. He almost didn't notice something missing until he put the bottle of pills back into the cabinet. He kneeled down and picked the small razor blade off the floor and put it into the cabinet. 

He went into the kitchen and prepared a simple, small breakfast for Lucifer since he didn't want to eat if he didn't have to. If he was asked, he'll just say he already ate. So, he finished the plate of food and brought it into the bedroom. 

When he placed it down, Lucifer woke up. It might've been the smell of food that drew him out of his slumber. "Breakfast in bed? You're too nice to me, Mikey." Lucifer smiled before his face fell. "Look," he sighed, "I'm sorry for yelling at you the other day. I didn't mean any of what I said." He pulled Michael into his lap. "I love you, Mikey." ‘He's lying’ his brain screamed. "I love you too, Luci."  
“Do you want some?" Lucifer asked as he ate. Michael smiled at him, "no thanks. I already ate." He got up and grabbed some clean clothes out of his drawer and went to the bathroom to change. 

When he came out, Lucifer was in the middle of the room pulling a shirt over his head. He winked when he saw Michael with a teasing grin. Michael just rolled his eyes lovingly and went out to the living room. 

"Where were you when you were gone?" Michael asked as he sat on the couch. "I was at Gabe's." Lucifer said as he joined Michael in the living room. "I don't believe you." Michael found himself saying. He didn't mean to say it, just think it. "Why not?" Lucifer asked defensively. "Because if you were at Gabe's I would've heard from somebody." He snapped. ‘Not again! Not another fight. Make it stop.’ "Why does it matter where I was anyways!"  
‘Make it stop!’  
“Because I'm your boyfriend! For all I know you could've been out having sex with some random girl!"  
‘Please.’  
"You think I would cheat on you! You don't even trust me enough to spend a day without you and you think I would cheat!"  
‘Please. Just stop.‘  
“That's not what I meant! I meant that you should be telling me things!"  
‘Admit defeat.’  
“I told you! I was at Gabe's!"  
‘Let it go.’  
"No you weren't!"  
‘Do anything-‘  
"How would you know!"  
"Because we both know Gabe! He would've told me where you were so I wouldn't be worried!"  
‘-just stop fighting.‘  
"Fine! You really want to know?! I was at Asmodeus's house."  
"Asmodeus? Gabe's fucking abusive ex?! Luci, we both know he's an asshole!"  
"Well, at least he's better to be around than you!"  
"Fine! If he's so much better than me why don't you go date him! Why don't you go move in! You'll be happier then anyways!"  
"Agh! I can't stand you!" Lucifer shouted and left yet again. ‘Another tally.‘ 

Michael went and laid back in bed. He didn't bother to change into something more comfortable. He considered taking more pills but he doubts that they will help him. ‘He was lying when he said that he loved me. He was lying when he apologized. He was lying.’

‘Another tally for believing him.‘

He waited until it was after midnight. Lucifer wouldn't be home again and so he went to mark his tallies. He locked the bathroom door and opened the cabinet. He grabbed the razor blade that had fallen the night before. He rolled up his sleeve and stared unseeing at the other tallies. There was nearly thousands of tallies that littered his skin from the thousands of times something went wrong because of him. He let the cold metal break the skin as he added two new tallies to the list of mess ups. Then he went and added a new one. A large vertical cut was added on, for him being alive. It was deep to show himself that all of this could've been avoided if he wasn't too scared to let go. 

"Mikey?"  
‘Shit.’  
"Hold on!" Michael called through the door. He stood up and put the razor blade back into his cabinet. That's when he realized that the hand towel he kept in there was missing. He quickly started the sink and put his arm under it letting the water wash the blood away. It kept bleeding more. He couldn't leave to get a new towel because Lucifer is home. He'll see. He'll realize that he isn't alright. 

"Mikey, what are you doing in the bathroom this late?" Lucifer asked. Michael didn't respond he kept the water running on his arm as he looked around for something to put on it. He opened Lucifer's cabinet and looked around in it to see if he was more prepared for a situation like this. Nothing. He opened the drawers. Nothing. He looked under the sink. Nothing. 

"Mikey, is everything alright?"  
‘I'm not going to fight you anymore.’  
He turned off the sink and unlocked the door. He sat down on the floor opposite from the door. The arm covered in cuts was cradled towards his chest. The door was opened. Lucifer's eyes widened when he saw Michael and let out a quiet sob. He ran over and hugged onto him. "I'm sorry, Mikey, I'm sorry. I love you. Why didn't you say anything. I'm sorry. I love you." Michael found himself crying.

They sat on the bathroom floor holding onto each other until Lucifer pulls away. "Let me get you cleaned up." He said softly kissing Michael's forehead before leaving to get a damp washcloth. He dabs it on the cuts and scabs. For some reason, Michael can't count this as a tally. It should be considered one, but he can't bring himself to. Maybe, it's because this isn't necessarily a bad thing. 

"I'm sorry, Luci." He whispered. Lucifer just kissed him softly and continued holding the hand towel against the cuts to help stop them from bleeding. "You should've told me that you've been feeling like this. I wouldn't've left you alone as much; I wouldn't've yelled at you as much. Mikey, tell me these things so I know that I won't lose you. Promise?"  
“I promise."

Lucifer kisses him again before getting up and going into the kitchen he came back with some bandages and he wrapped them carefully around Michael's arm. The scars where covered. "Let's get in something more comfortable and go to bed, it's pretty late." Lucifer said and they both walked into their shared bedroom. 

Lucifer stripped down to his underwear and Michael changed into a pair of pants and a t-shirt. It was the first time in all the years of them dating that Michael changed in their bedroom and not the bathroom. It was the first time he comfortably let his arms show now that he was nothing to hide. When they laid down in the bed, Lucifer held Michael extra close while they slept. 

‘He won't risk losing his angel again.’

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty proud of this one. It's like sad and angsty but I feel like I wrote it pretty well. I also added on some small things that I'll explain right here because why not. So, if you haven't noticed. The entire time Michael's cuts were referred to as tallies even when it is clear that him "marking the tallies" was actually him cutting. They were only referred to as cuts and scars after Michael gave in and decided not to hide his depression from Lucifer anymore. That's because he no longer considers them "tallies" and he sees them as they are just cuts and scars.


End file.
